War in a week.

So, PMR's in exactly a week. October, october, october, most dreaded month of the year for form 3's aye? AHAHA. Okay, well a part of me can't wait for PMR to be over cos then i'll have FREEDOM, but then another part of me doesn't because I'm not prepared at all. Yes, give me that stare. Tbh, I'm really not prepared. Okay, except for english. I practically just slack or stare at my books. I didn't actually study. I'm not sure why, but yeah. I'll definitely start studying today, cos I'm still hoping for my straight A's. I know, I know, you reap what you sow. But.. well I work well only under pressure. & i'm finally feeling it now. Have to finish up all 4 STUDY subjects in 7 days. Okay, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! I can do all things through christ who strengthens me! Amen. HAHAH okay! All I can say is, this year wasn't an easy year. Many things happened, & it was so close to my PMR, but I know for sure, God has never left me & he sees me through it all. It was a really emotional draining period of my life. I mean, who could take it? It's just too much to handle. A few days before PMR & my parents officially divorced, a day before trials & you watch yr family break apart right in front of yr eyes & you can do nothing but just watch. It definitely wasn't an easy year for me. But as they say, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, yeah it's really true. Throughout this period of my life, I became very much stronger than I was before. It isn't easy, but I can say I survived. Not because of my own strength, but because of God's strength. He was always there to give me comfort & the peace I need. I thank God for all He has done. I know that He sees everything that happens & he allows it for a reason. Perhaps to mould me to be a better girl. Okay, back to blogging about my upcoming majors. The only subjects i'm quite worried about is history & maths. I just really hate history, I have no idea why but yeah. Whenever I try studying history, I fail miserably cos I end up sleeping. But I have no choice right now, have to force myself to study history no matter what. For maths, hmm... I'm just really unstable. I know, it's too late to study right now. But it's better late than never right? And I really really hope to get straight A's, even tho my results for trials was quite disappointing. Hey hey, you can't blame me for not studying right? Cos that point of time, it was a real emotional roller coaster ride for me. Lord, i'm counting on you for my PMR results. I really want that straight A's so that I can stand in front of everyone & testify that no matter what trials & tribulations that I faced, I managed to conquer all of them & came out stronger than before & God was faithful throughout & He has never failed me.

 Hawaii Night @ FGACYC

 Outing w friends during the 1 week break. Met DAN KHOO !

 Best friend came over during the 1 week break

 Installed, officially an Interactor of ICSMKA

Hawaii Night @FGA CYC

Wow, great to be back. The last I blogged was 4 months back. I've been gone for that long? :O Uh, time passes too fast. These few months had been really rough on me, but I thank God for always being there for me. Truly, He will not take me to where His grace cannot keep me. Okay, so my major exam's around the corner & me being such a lazy ass, haven't really started studying, but well I did quite alot of past year papers recently. So mm okay.. Well, okay to sum up what happened throughout these 4 months. Hmm, well I had trials, had mid term break, interact installation & a week's break & oh i'm officially a member of FGA CYC now. Well, FGA CYC is a place I call home. I love it there. I mean, it's a really great church. I learned so much. I grew so much, in my spiritual life too. I'm glad that i'm finally on the right track again. The fire & passion for God which I used to have as a little girl, is back again burning in my heart. I thank God for that. W/o God, I wouldn't have been able to pull through these few months. I've learn to set my priorities right & also to love God w all my heart, soul, mind & strength. Truly, only in Him, do I find solace. I can say that, God is great, his grace is ever sufficient. I can't even thank God enough for all He has done. Mm okay, I guess it's time for me to continue doing those past year questions. Toddles. I'll blog again after PMR.

6th anniversary.

Hey bloggers, yeah i'm back. It's been some time since I last blogged. HAHA. Okay, basically this post will be dedicated to my late grandma, my heroin. Since May is coming to an end, and June is gonna be here. So yeah, this post'll be for her. Since she passed away on the 19th June 2006. This's an advance post, since i'm missing her really badly right now, and i'm really free and bored. HAHA, okay. This is it! 

" Don't go. I love you too much to lose you. Keep fighting, please " I said. I know you did what you could. You could only fight so long with so much against you. My mind raced, I thought how great life was with you, I kept thinking w/o you it would be unbearable. Come on, you can make it. Death was not even possible. I figured you were too good a human, too strong, too young, and too well-liked to be seriously hurt. My worst nightmare could not compare with what I found facing me. Nothing I felt could be put into words. I wanted to give you the world, but I could only hold your hand. I was so scared. I felt detached from my body, as if the pain of this starting reality was too much to bear. I wanted to die too, to be with you, to make sure you were okay. I felt that your soul was close, I wanted to shake your shoulders and have you open your eyes. Instead, I gave you a kiss and rested my face against yours, willing to do anything to bring you back. The only thing I could do was to let you go. I know you're helping me get on with my life. I learned so much from you. You taught me to live one day at a time, to appreciate everything that comes along, to laugh and have fun, to be honest, to accept people for what they are. And while 10 years is a short time, we filled them with so much happiness, that can never be lost, even now. The one thing you really did for me was take away my fear of death. I am no longer afraid. I know that God must have something wonderful for a woman like you. My faith has also been strengthened, because if I did not believe in God and heaven, where would you be? Heaven has got to be beautiful with you there. I know that when my time comes, I will be looking for you. Could you be watching so we find each other? I really miss you, grandma. I know that you are still with me and I know we will see each other again. I love you.                                     

                                                                                                                                                     Sarah

Reality

It's a typical Sunday today. Went for yoga, early this morning, came home, took a shower & then headed to church. Okay, now i'm home. And I just felt like blogging. I just need somewhere to type out how i feel. Okay, basically I'm feeling rather nostalgic right now. Hmm, you may be wondering why. It's pretty simple, my late grandma. I miss her all the time, but today it's just extra more. I have no idea why, probably it's because she was the only one whom I can spill out whatever I'm feeling & etc. I'm still keeping her fav CD, she always listen to. And yes, I'm playing it right now. Memories start flashing back. I remember, this was the exact CD, she was listening to, when she found out she had cancer. I remember her always telling me that, she won't mind getting any sickness, except cancer. But, in the end, when she was diagnosed with it, we tried to hide it from her, but she found out as well. I wonder why, must cancer exist? It has robbed so many lifes, just like that. If it wasn't for cancer, my grandma would still be alive. WHY? WHY? WHY? Cancer's such a bitch. I was rather devastated too, when I found out my grandma had cancer, & had only 6 months more to survive. But as always, she was this strong woman. And she managed to battle cancer & survived for about a year & 2 months. I've always looked up to her. Though she had cancer, and she had to keep going in & out of hospital, she never gave up. She still battled cancer. I remember, how much morphine the doctors used to inject into my grandma. How big & fat the syringes were. How many times, the doctors told us to be prepared that my grandma will leave us that night itself, and we would all stay in the hospital throughout the whole night. How my grandma, would still remain tough & strong & tell us she's alright, and she doesn't want any of us to cry. I remember once, when her condition was rather critical already, and she called all of us to her hospital bed & blessed each & every one of us. From the oldest to the youngest. Yes, i'm the youngest. She asked me to study hard, make her & my family proud & told me not to cry & hugged me. That was the last time, I actually heard her talk with strength. Then, a few days after that, she insisted to come home. I knew her time was up. It was Father's Day, 2006. I couldn't hold back my tears, therefore I broke down crying, and even though she had no strength to talk, she still took me by the hand & whispered " Don't cry, I love you ". Those were the last words I heard from her. And the last thing I did for her, was feed her water with syringes & cotton. Later, at 12.30am, she passed away. Yes, these memories are still ever so clear in my head. I miss her. Why did cancer have to rob away her life? Why didn't cancer have had a cure? Why?! I want my grandma back, just for 5 minutes, I'll be happy enough. But I can't. She's gone, she won't come back anymore. Why must reality be so cruel? Why must someone so dear to you, be gone forever? Why can't things last forever? I guess, it's for the best. At least, she doesn't have to suffer anymore.

Growing up.

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that was never supposed to let us down probably will. You’ll have your heart broken, and you’ll break others hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them and you’ll forget that time is flying by. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, and no second chances. You just have to live your life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you, and tell someone off. Speak out, be sincere and say it with conviction. And never forget where you came from, ‘cause when you do.. It’s a long way home..

April.

April is coming to an end! April, April, April. What can I say? Well, it has been a really tough, stressful & painful month. But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger right? Well, what's life without challenges? Regardless, whether it was a great or suckish month, all I can say is Thank you, lord. For, i've learnt so much, throughout the whole month. I've heard someone once said ' You won't understand life, if you don't go through it yrself ' yeah, it makes sense right now. HAHA. I would really like to thank April, because it definitely made me a stronger & tougher girl & a whole lot of lessons. It's May already, since it's 12.10am now. Alright, welcome May! I'm not hoping for anything. Because, I believe, everything happens for a reason. I know, May will be a pretty stressful month, as I'll be having Mid Terms. I have 3 weeks left to study. Yay! Well, okay I have nothing to tweet about now. So, adios! :) Goodbye April, your journey ends here. Till we meet again, next year! <3 Much love, xx! Sarah :)

Life

I guess, if anything, it's about taking chances, even when you think you're all out of chances. It's about giving forgiveness and unconditional love, even when it seems like you should only do the opposite. It's about trusting that God puts people in your life at certain moments so that you can capitalize the opportunity. It's all about the possibility. It's all about what you do with those possibilities. Life is short, and it moves so fast. Hang on and enjoy the ride. And when someone comes along with whom you enjoy spending the ride with, hold on tight.

Happy Valentines Day.

And, another year has passed, and here is Valentine's Day again. Oh god, i feel old :/ Anyways, yeah, to me Valentine's Day's actually just another day to me, cos I truly believe that, if you really love that someone, everyday is Valentine's Day. You don't need a special day to make the one you love feel special. And i pretty much think that, Valentine's Day is really commercial & it's really overrated too. Okay, my point is that, Valentines day is here but don't let Valentines day be the only time of the year that you tell the ones you love, you love them. Before someone's tomorrow has been taken away, cherish those you love, appreciate them today. We need to appreciate the people we have today because they may not be here tomorrow . Our time on this Earth is limited, and when we leave it is not up to us. Most of the time, there aren't warnings to tell you your time is limited. Once again, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, EVERYONE!

You're a teenager. You are far from perfect, yet beautiful. You're going to screw up. You're going to change. You're going to lose friends. You're going to gain friends. You're going to keep friends. You're going to learn who your true friends are. You're gonna feel heartbroken. You're gonna feel dead. Then there are the times you feel so alive. You are absolutely beautiful through all of this. And even though being a teenager is seriously the biggest thing we all have to overcome, we can make it through these years with a smile. Just promise me you'll try. Because you're beautiful. And believe it or not, you are worth something. You're worth the whole world. Dear whoever is reading this... I love you. You, The girl who's lost hope. You, The gorgeous boy who is afraid to be who you are. And you, With the brilliant smile. You are the most spectacular person in the world. Don't throw that away. Please. So you want to be happy? Then stop letting the smallest stuff ruin your whole entire day. If you're bored with you daily routine, do something unexpected. Stop complaining about how alone you are when you're surrounded by people that actually care about you. Forget about all the drama, let go of the grudges you've been holding and live your life like there's no tomorrow. Take a risk. Just allow yourself to be happy for once, because you deserve it.

Cny is never Cny without you.

Today's Chinese New Year's Eve, it also means a day where we have reunion dinner. I feel really nostalgic. These bittersweet memories just flash across my mind. It kills me, yeah like the saying goes memories, they break us. It's been almost 6 years that my grandma left us to join Jesus in heaven, nevertheless she has never be forgotten, and she's also dearly missed. I can still clearly recall those times during Cny eve, that she'll be busy preparing those really scrumptious dishes, a variety of them too, and not to forget she'll fry those prawn crackers & etc. I trully miss those times with her. She hasn't been with us for 5 Cny and no matter how great it is, it'll never be the same without her, because no one can be compared to her. She'll always be in my heart, every Cny i'll think of her, during the tea ceremonies, visitation, & just how much joy & excitement that she has brought to the family. I remember whenever she was around during the Cny she would do the preparations a month ahead, and i'll be really excited too. And i realize affter she's gone, those excitement just starts fading, slowly. The conclusion is, it doesn't feel like Cny without my hero, my grandma. Grandma, Happy Cny. I know you can't see whatever i posted here, but i just want you to know that, Cny will never be the same without you, I miss you, really & I do love you. I hope you'll be really proud of me when you look down from heaven, and you see all your sons, daughters, grandchildren, come together this Cny & carry out our family's tradition. Much love, your granddaughter.

Sucide.

So you want to kill yourself?
Because no one cares about you. Your family hates you. Right?
No.
Think about your parents walking in your room in the morning to only find a dead body.
You think they won't care?
They will. And they'll try their hardest to not think negative, and to just think that you're fooling around.
Then they'll start shaking you. Why aren't you breathing?
They'll be broken. Tears. Many tears. More tears than you ever shed.
Was it them? Were they the reason you did this? More tears. Pain. Every day. Every night. Every single second of every day. Guilt. More guilt.
What about your bestfriends? They're not going to care. Right?
No.
What's the first thing that will go through their mind when your principal comes in and tells the class that you're not alive. While your bestfriend sits there in tears.
That girl that you'd smile at but never talk to? She's now crying.
The boy who used to kick you under the table just to annoy you?
He'll be shocked. He'll be devastated. He'll blame himself.
What about your teacher?
Thoughts crossing her mind. She'll question if you did it because she didn't make school comfortable enough for you.
Pain. Devastation. All in one.
Who organises your funeral?
Who has to go through your stuff? Clothes? Notes?
Those few older girls who used to give you daggers at school?
They'll feel regret.
They'll blame themselves.
See, if you killed yourself today, you'll never know what might of happened tomorrow.
You'll never know because you're dead.
Plain dead. Not breathing. Not alive. Just dead.
Your family hates themselves for it.
Your bestfriend then falls into depression.
Tears. Tears. More tears than a river.
All because you killed yourself because you thought no one would care.
Right?
You are loved. By many.
Someone right now is thinking of you.
And right now, I'm thinking about anyone who has thought or is considering suicide.
You are beautiful.
No matter if you're black, white, gay, tall, short, overweight or anorexic.
You are beautiful.
You want to kill yourself?
Think about it first. There's no coming back.
And I promise, if you do it, you are not only hurting yourself, you are hurting many.
You are creating more tears than you led yourself to.
You are making everyone miserable and making them all feel guilt and pain.
Never will they feel whole like they used to when they had you.
You. Are.Beautiful.
And you are never ever
alone.