Reality

It's a typical Sunday today. Went for yoga, early this morning, came home, took a shower & then headed to church. Okay, now i'm home. And I just felt like blogging. I just need somewhere to type out how i feel. Okay, basically I'm feeling rather nostalgic right now. Hmm, you may be wondering why. It's pretty simple, my late grandma. I miss her all the time, but today it's just extra more. I have no idea why, probably it's because she was the only one whom I can spill out whatever I'm feeling & etc. I'm still keeping her fav CD, she always listen to. And yes, I'm playing it right now. Memories start flashing back. I remember, this was the exact CD, she was listening to, when she found out she had cancer. I remember her always telling me that, she won't mind getting any sickness, except cancer. But, in the end, when she was diagnosed with it, we tried to hide it from her, but she found out as well. I wonder why, must cancer exist? It has robbed so many lifes, just like that. If it wasn't for cancer, my grandma would still be alive. WHY? WHY? WHY? Cancer's such a bitch. I was rather devastated too, when I found out my grandma had cancer, & had only 6 months more to survive. But as always, she was this strong woman. And she managed to battle cancer & survived for about a year & 2 months. I've always looked up to her. Though she had cancer, and she had to keep going in & out of hospital, she never gave up. She still battled cancer. I remember, how much morphine the doctors used to inject into my grandma. How big & fat the syringes were. How many times, the doctors told us to be prepared that my grandma will leave us that night itself, and we would all stay in the hospital throughout the whole night. How my grandma, would still remain tough & strong & tell us she's alright, and she doesn't want any of us to cry. I remember once, when her condition was rather critical already, and she called all of us to her hospital bed & blessed each & every one of us. From the oldest to the youngest. Yes, i'm the youngest. She asked me to study hard, make her & my family proud & told me not to cry & hugged me. That was the last time, I actually heard her talk with strength. Then, a few days after that, she insisted to come home. I knew her time was up. It was Father's Day, 2006. I couldn't hold back my tears, therefore I broke down crying, and even though she had no strength to talk, she still took me by the hand & whispered " Don't cry, I love you ". Those were the last words I heard from her. And the last thing I did for her, was feed her water with syringes & cotton. Later, at 12.30am, she passed away. Yes, these memories are still ever so clear in my head. I miss her. Why did cancer have to rob away her life? Why didn't cancer have had a cure? Why?! I want my grandma back, just for 5 minutes, I'll be happy enough. But I can't. She's gone, she won't come back anymore. Why must reality be so cruel? Why must someone so dear to you, be gone forever? Why can't things last forever? I guess, it's for the best. At least, she doesn't have to suffer anymore.