6th anniversary.

Hey bloggers, yeah i'm back. It's been some time since I last blogged. HAHA. Okay, basically this post will be dedicated to my late grandma, my heroin. Since May is coming to an end, and June is gonna be here. So yeah, this post'll be for her. Since she passed away on the 19th June 2006. This's an advance post, since i'm missing her really badly right now, and i'm really free and bored. HAHA, okay. This is it! 

" Don't go. I love you too much to lose you. Keep fighting, please " I said. I know you did what you could. You could only fight so long with so much against you. My mind raced, I thought how great life was with you, I kept thinking w/o you it would be unbearable. Come on, you can make it. Death was not even possible. I figured you were too good a human, too strong, too young, and too well-liked to be seriously hurt. My worst nightmare could not compare with what I found facing me. Nothing I felt could be put into words. I wanted to give you the world, but I could only hold your hand. I was so scared. I felt detached from my body, as if the pain of this starting reality was too much to bear. I wanted to die too, to be with you, to make sure you were okay. I felt that your soul was close, I wanted to shake your shoulders and have you open your eyes. Instead, I gave you a kiss and rested my face against yours, willing to do anything to bring you back. The only thing I could do was to let you go. I know you're helping me get on with my life. I learned so much from you. You taught me to live one day at a time, to appreciate everything that comes along, to laugh and have fun, to be honest, to accept people for what they are. And while 10 years is a short time, we filled them with so much happiness, that can never be lost, even now. The one thing you really did for me was take away my fear of death. I am no longer afraid. I know that God must have something wonderful for a woman like you. My faith has also been strengthened, because if I did not believe in God and heaven, where would you be? Heaven has got to be beautiful with you there. I know that when my time comes, I will be looking for you. Could you be watching so we find each other? I really miss you, grandma. I know that you are still with me and I know we will see each other again. I love you.                                     

                                                                                                                                                     Sarah

Reality

It's a typical Sunday today. Went for yoga, early this morning, came home, took a shower & then headed to church. Okay, now i'm home. And I just felt like blogging. I just need somewhere to type out how i feel. Okay, basically I'm feeling rather nostalgic right now. Hmm, you may be wondering why. It's pretty simple, my late grandma. I miss her all the time, but today it's just extra more. I have no idea why, probably it's because she was the only one whom I can spill out whatever I'm feeling & etc. I'm still keeping her fav CD, she always listen to. And yes, I'm playing it right now. Memories start flashing back. I remember, this was the exact CD, she was listening to, when she found out she had cancer. I remember her always telling me that, she won't mind getting any sickness, except cancer. But, in the end, when she was diagnosed with it, we tried to hide it from her, but she found out as well. I wonder why, must cancer exist? It has robbed so many lifes, just like that. If it wasn't for cancer, my grandma would still be alive. WHY? WHY? WHY? Cancer's such a bitch. I was rather devastated too, when I found out my grandma had cancer, & had only 6 months more to survive. But as always, she was this strong woman. And she managed to battle cancer & survived for about a year & 2 months. I've always looked up to her. Though she had cancer, and she had to keep going in & out of hospital, she never gave up. She still battled cancer. I remember, how much morphine the doctors used to inject into my grandma. How big & fat the syringes were. How many times, the doctors told us to be prepared that my grandma will leave us that night itself, and we would all stay in the hospital throughout the whole night. How my grandma, would still remain tough & strong & tell us she's alright, and she doesn't want any of us to cry. I remember once, when her condition was rather critical already, and she called all of us to her hospital bed & blessed each & every one of us. From the oldest to the youngest. Yes, i'm the youngest. She asked me to study hard, make her & my family proud & told me not to cry & hugged me. That was the last time, I actually heard her talk with strength. Then, a few days after that, she insisted to come home. I knew her time was up. It was Father's Day, 2006. I couldn't hold back my tears, therefore I broke down crying, and even though she had no strength to talk, she still took me by the hand & whispered " Don't cry, I love you ". Those were the last words I heard from her. And the last thing I did for her, was feed her water with syringes & cotton. Later, at 12.30am, she passed away. Yes, these memories are still ever so clear in my head. I miss her. Why did cancer have to rob away her life? Why didn't cancer have had a cure? Why?! I want my grandma back, just for 5 minutes, I'll be happy enough. But I can't. She's gone, she won't come back anymore. Why must reality be so cruel? Why must someone so dear to you, be gone forever? Why can't things last forever? I guess, it's for the best. At least, she doesn't have to suffer anymore.

Growing up.

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that was never supposed to let us down probably will. You’ll have your heart broken, and you’ll break others hearts. You’ll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them and you’ll forget that time is flying by. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, and no second chances. You just have to live your life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you, and tell someone off. Speak out, be sincere and say it with conviction. And never forget where you came from, ‘cause when you do.. It’s a long way home..