Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am isn't me. To tell you the truth, I've just been avoiding everything. There is only one rain cloud in the sky and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised. I wake up and think dreams are real. I sleep so I don't have to feel. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. Always looking happy, every single day, but inside she's feeling a different way. I didn't want to admit it. It was easier to lie. Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry. Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand. Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough you can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when Santa did exist. When Disney World was the best place to be. When the only movies you could see were rated G. When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn't change and your friends were the same. And every time you were sad or you had a bad day. You could just run to mommy and it would all be okay. I wanna go back to no hurt and no pain just laughter. When everyone alwayslives happily ever after. When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is how can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay? I wanna get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I wanna get lost and I don't know why. I'm not saying I have nothing. I'm not saying I'm gone completely. It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? Otherwise there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their teenage years. But for now, just for now, it hurts.